WHY I dropped off the planet last October
This blog is to explain why I dropped off the face of the planet about halfway through October last year.
My life has been very crazy for awhile. I haven’t been posting mainly because there hasn’t been anything relevant to post.
Last semester I learned the hard way that you don’t take the 5 hardest freshman classes with fibromyalgia and a 2hr (one way!) commute and expect to not end up in a lot of pain, sleep a lot and live on red bull. Eat, homework, red bull, sleep. Even that wasn’t enough.
Midway through September, I got food poisoning from a study session i was doing at a buffet type place. This probably saved my sanity. They admitted me overnight because they thought it was my appendix and the scan looked “iffy”. (yes, my surgeon used that exact word.) They wanted to do another the next morning with oral contrast. Okay, whatever. I didn’t care. All I cared about was the fact that they killed the pain and I could stop vomiting long enough to sleep.
While, yes, i was in pain, couldn’t eat solids for 3 days and was stuck in a very uncomfortable bed….I call it a blessing. It made me realize i had too much crap on my plate. In addition to this food poisoning episode: I had been pale for weeks and coming home and sleeping like a brick for 14-16hrs. This isn’t normal! I didn’t have enough time for classes, the commute, sleep and eating. Forget having a life.
They kept me for 4 days, most of which I spent sleeping and fighting a migraine. I assume that was because they didn’t give me any caffeine and I’d been living off of it. Literally. I tried to study but wad just too tired. My lab professor literally told me to stop studying and get better.
It was about that point I began thinking of dropping a few classes. I had to realize that i do have a chronic illness and the fact of the matter is - I can’t do what everyone else can do. I’m not sure anyone else could have done it. I was running my body ragged.
The rest of the semester sucked. I felt like I needed a 6 month nap. My brain was numb. I didn’t feel anything anymore. It was bizarre. I was emotionally and mentally numb and physically exhausted. I found out a month before school ended that id been placed into the wrong math class. Math is my enemy and it always has been; add in the fact that they put me in a class two levels above where I should be and you’ll see my predicament. Thankfully, my teacher was able to work with me and we resolved the issues.
By the end of finals - I felt dead. I was awake, breathing and if you talked to me I could spit out some form of a reply but that was about it. I felt nothing. No emotion. No interests. Nothing except “blah,” frustration about feeling “blah” and the urge to sleep forever.
(No, this was not depression. I wasn’t sad. At all. I just wasn’t anything.)
I’m still not sure exactly why. It took me several weeks to get out of that phase where I could barely think or feel. It was truly the weirdest thing and I still dont understand it fully.
I took the Spring semester off in order to get my bearings again. I still am not 100% myself, but im getting there. I’ll return in the fall with a lighter course load.
I should be getting back into the swing of blogging soon. I hope y’all stick around. I thank you if you came back to read this after my hiatus.
RE: Unknown Symptoms of Fibromyalgia.
I’m reblogging this because when this young lady reblogged my post, she made my point.
Adventures in PreMed: Unknown Symptoms of Fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia is a disease characterized mainly by chronic, widespread pain and fatigue. It is highly misunderstood and there is not a lot known about it. The diagnostic…
Major Change
If you want something so much you’re terrified to try for fear of failure - go for it. That is your dream.
I say this to announce a change in my major. Don’t freak, I’m still PreMed but I’ve decided to go a less traditional route. Music major, premed “minor.” (Which isn’t technically right but you get the point. )
Meaning that I’m now a music major and will fulfill the required courses for med school in addition to my course load.
Back from Hiatus
I’m a bad blogger. I had intended to continue updating throughout the semester, but as classes started I realized I had virtually no time to do so. In fact, I had no time for anything except homework and sleep if I could fit it in.
As a fibromyalgia patient, this isn’t a combination but I stuck it out wanting to push through to the end of the semester.
In September, I was in the hospital from what we believe is food poisoning. I’ll blog more in detail about this experience in my next blog for all you PreMeds and concerned readers who want to know what the heck happened. Lol. It was quite interesting.
I’m alright now, however I was exhausted and never recovered from feeling tired and had a near constant headache. I would sleep 12 hours and then wake up exhausted. My counselor (yes, I see a therapist and there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone has drama to deal with.) saw me deteriorating and one session said “Beth, enough is enough. You can barely hold a conversation. Would you be willing to talk to an academic counselor about dropping a class or two? You’re burning out. You can’t keep doing this to yourself, you’ll put yourself back in the hospital.”
I felt relieved when she mentioned it. I didn’t know this wasn’t normal. I could barely function.
I went to see the academic counselor regarding if this was normal, what I should do and so on.
Once she looked at my classes, she said it was no wonder I was exhausted. “These are five very intense courses.” She suggested dropping my Bio class and the lab and retaking it next semester. As much as I hated the idea, I knew I needed to be smart about my health and take time to recover…so I did.
I hate having to drop its few classes, as it kind of makes me feel like a failure. Like I couldn’t do it. I am not up to par with the other “premed” kids who are taking that many classes and still have time for something other than homework. Whereas if all I did was homework and study; there wasn’t enough time for it all. I was going crazy.
However, as my doctor told me: “your health comes first, then your schooling. If you’re too sick to go, you won’t be able to go. Or, knowing you, you’ll push yourself to go anyway and will only get sicker.”
The realization I needed to make was this: Beth, you DO have fibromyalgia. You do not have the ability to do what everyone else does.
Doesn’t make me feel so great. More like I don’t measure up, but it’s the reality of the situation that means that sometimes you can’t do all that you want to do even if you really think you should.
It was a good decision, as I am feeling much better than I was. I can think more clearly and can actually function. I feel much better. Still recovering as it takes awhile to come back out of being so tired for so long.
Alright, next time I’ll post about the hospital. I’m okay now though, just a few interesting things happened. :)
Thanks for sticking around!
BC
The Crisis of No One Understanding
If you’re sick (again) and you feel like no one understands, life sucks. To be more accurate, if you feel like no one WANTS to understand because you’re always sick and they’re tired of dealing with it - life is lived in isolation. You not only “fake healthy” but you can also start to feel depressed.
Love and acceptance are a crucial part of life. A crucial part of feeling happy and “okay” with yourself. Families who sit around the table and talk have more successful children why? Because those children feel supported and loved and accepted and THAT gives them the inner confidence they need to go after their dreams.
The crisis of no one around you understanding is not simply depression or lack of self confidence - it erodes who a person is if it’s allowed to continue long enough.
The crisis of no one understanding is not only related to chronically ill people, but also to everyone. The LGBT community is currently fighting for “the right to BE RIGHT.” To be understood and accepted as people, as right. As fundamentally “okay.”
We need to start trying to understand those around us and stop sending the subconscious message of “you don’t measure up” instead of telling them “You’re fundamentally okay.”
The Bronchitis Tales
I promised to be transparent in this blog and chronicle my life on the road to being a doctor. I think right now is one time I am going to regret this. I’m only posting it because it’s relevant to both school and being and asthmatic.
Last week my best friend came over to my apartment saying she felt sick and tired and thought it had to do with stress. The girl couldn’t keep her eyes open and was complaining of being cold in my 80 degree apartment. I was sweating in shorts (and i’m usually cold!) Red flags went up in my head but I didn’t say anything. I asked a few questions figuring I’d tell her to see her doctor and called my mom (ex MA and Paramedic and transplant coordinator…) Mom said to wait and see. I told her to wait and see. I should have taken her temperature. I would have sent her to the doctor sooner.
So I gave her a blanket and we watched something on tv. She thought she just had a sinus infection or something similar and non-threatening. She got some rest and felt a little better. Then Wednesday came around. I got a call saying she had to cancel our plans for thursday cuz she’d gotten worse and was going to the doctor. Her symptoms had changed and even more red flags went off in my head. “Good. Don’t worry about it, no big deal. Feel better. Call me and tell me what the doctor says.”
On Thursday, 4 hours before her scheduled appointment I was outside in 80 degree weather IN PANTS - freezing my ass off. Got home, took temp (with my brand new thermometer) 99.1. That’s what my dad calls a “non-fever fever.” By the time she called to tell me she has bronchitis I had chills, a headache, was exhausted and my chest felt tight.
So I monitored my symptoms all day Friday and ended up in urgent care this morning where they promptly gave me a nebulizer, prendisone and an rx for antibiotics and more prendisone and an albuterol inhaler.
So for now I’m laid up in bed with tea and a nebulizer and my wonderful internet. lol. I’m really not all that bothered by it but like I said - I promised to be transparent and chroncile events. I’m really alright, I promise. I don’t actually feel half as bad as I did last time around (2 years ago) so I’m ultimately alright.
I’m actually really glad this happened now - two weeks before school starts - instead of after school starts. Knowing my luck if it hadn’t happened now it would have happened during the semester. This gives me JUST ENOUGH time to heal before school AND some down-time to finish reading these books I’ve started this summer but haven’t finished.
Anyway, so that’s what’s happened this week. Next week: First ever pain management visit. Yikes. Expect a full report.
Faking Healthy (Part 3) What do you think?
In my first “Faking Healthy” post I explained how many chronically ill patients tend to fake being healthy in order to maintain relationships with people around them who are less understanding about the complications poor health can cause. I explained how these patients feel like they have to put up a wall and often need a break from it because the forced masquerade is tiring. Here, I’ll explore one possible complication from this unfortunate but uncommon circumstance.
A few weeks ago I asked many of you on twitter and several of my personal friends who also have chronic illnesses to answer a few questions. I asked “Where do you go when you need to let the walls down and just exist?” I got several different answers. Online, the bathtub, to a friends house but the most frequent one I got was “I go to bed.”
Of those who went to bed for down-time/recuperation I asked them if the majority of their time in bed was spent sleeping or reading, watching tv or any other awake activity. Most people didn’t really end up spending time asleep in bed, in fact spent most of it reading, watching tv, thinking or playing with their phones, and those people seem to have trouble sleeping when they do finally go to bed to sleep.
Now, this is in no way proven or even a real study by any means and I DEFINITELY do NOT think this is the only or even major reason for people being unable to sleep with chronic illness - this is just my idea - but I definitely think there is a link between spending so much awake downtime in bed and being unable to sleep once you actually go to bed to sleep. Remember Pavlov’s dog? If your brain doesn’t associate the bed with sleep how are you going to be able to sleep when you need to? Your brain thinks you’re going to watch tv, read, etc.
So I’m proposing a challenge to all of those who do find they have this problem. It’s just an idea but it may work!
We need a “safe zone” of sorts. We need a place to go and be uninterrupted where we can let our walls down without being ridiculed or rejected, where we can do whatever we want in privacy without feeling we need to hide. If we can’t change those around us to be more understanding, maybe some of us can find a way to cope.
So guys, tell me what do you think?
I usually don’t reblog things like this but this is very serious and i feel like it needs to be said. London really needs our support.
No. This is NOT the time to reblog pictures of guys with abs. NOT the time to reblog a tweet from a celeb saying how much they love their fans. NOT a time to reblog girls in pretty clothes. NO. Tonight is about London. And the countless number of people risking their lives to help the city, instead of destroying it. It IS the time to pray for London. NOT time for anything else.
PRAY. FOR. LONDON.
(Source: stunningcalder, via missbiochemistry)
Letter to Many People?
I admit, if I had known that blog was going to encourage people, I would have put MUCH more care into things I said and I would have said more.
Here’s what’s missing:
What we really need is not pills or hope of a cure but love and support. We need people around us who care, attempt to understand and actively try to help - even just by “being there” for the person sick. These diseases make us feel alone because there’s a divide between “healthy” and “sick.” The “healthy” seem to think that the “sick” are making it up for attention and tend to walk out from either frustration with the patient or from the feeling of “i can’t do anything about it.” These diseases are bad enough - we don’t need you walking out on us too.
If you have someone in your life who is chronically ill and you feel that you can’t do anything about it - you’re WRONG. You may not be able to cure the disease but you can ease their suffering. Let me say that again, that was good…
YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO CURE THEIR DISEASE BUT YOU CAN EASE THEIR SUFFERING!
I want to say something to everyone with an illness who feels they’re alone - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Millions of people feel this way. DO NOT give up. I know, it makes it worse, it makes you depressed, I understand and I have been there. It does get better.
I also want to say something to everyone with someone in their family who is chronically ill (whether you believe it or not): I don’t care what the diagnosis is they are not making a fuss over nothing. Your job as someone in their life that they care about (family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend,etc) is to support them.
You’re supposed to care about them, to try and understand what they are going through and - what I feel we need the most - is try to go through it with them. IF there are days where they can’t get out of bed - go see them at home. If you live with them (spouses…) jump in bed with them and watch whatever they’re watching.(Side note: DO NOT make it about you and attempt to get sex. That will NOT leave this person feel cared about. More like used.)
Love is an action word, people. It’s time we started acting like it.
PS To those caregivers who DO get it: Thank you for understanding that they wouldn’t be like this if they got a choice. Thank you for understanding that even if you can’t fix it - you can help it. It’s not so bad when you have someone with you to carry the load.
(Source: bclarkson.com)
Faking Healthy
Many chronic patients who have been sick for a long time know that people have a hard time being supportive with chronic illness. You really find out who really cares about you enough to be around when things get tough. You find that people would rather blame you for it than accept that you’re chronically sick. They’ll say things like “learn to deal with it” or “it’s all in your head” or “stop complaining, you’re always sick!”
Eventually, you’ll find that these people tend to jump ship out of frustration and don’t come around anymore. They abandon you because they get so angry with what they feel is constant excuses for a made up illness meant to get attention. I know. I’ve done it. I’ve also been the victim of it.
So what do the chronically Ill do in response? Two things: allow them to leave and eventually end up alone or with very few friends or they try and fake healthy. I do a combination of both. I let those relationships go of people that were supposed to be friends and certain family members and I also fake healthy. I fake healthy day to day in public. Every one of my classmates do not need to know what’s going on with me. Once people see you as sick - that’s all they see you as. So a lot of people tend to fake healthy consciously or not in order to maintain certain relationships.
I know I do this and have talked to others who do it as well. We put up a wall around others and act like we’re not tired and it doesn’t hurt. Like everything is fine. But it’s not and if you aren’t sick you wouldn’t believe how much energy that drains from us. There’s a reason that fibromyalgia and other chronically ill patients have a stigma attached of people who stay in bed all the time. The reason for that is partially due to the illness and partially due to this. Sometimes, we need downtime. A place to go where no one will bug us, we won’t be criticized for crying or just to recover from the days activities.
In my next blog I’ll explore my thoughts on why chronically ill people sometimes may have trouble sleeping in days they aren’t in pain.
"Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive."
~ Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre (via funeral) I can’t stress this enough. Get mad, get emotional, cry, be whoever you are. You can’t be too much of yourself. (via fuckyeahchoice) (via slutrockerbitch)
Tomorrow is the Big Day
Tomorrow is the big day. We read the VERY long-awaited MRI results. I don’t think I’ve ever been excited about test results before. It’s a test result that HAS to show something because it’s physically impossible not to. That, as a fibromyalgia patient, is a big thing but it also will mean I will have an answer and my knee back.
For those of you who don’t know in July of 2010 I was hit (more like bumped) by a car. I was walking and he hit the outside of my right knee. Apparently, he did some damage because 13 months later it still hurts like it did right after the accident.
My reasons for not getting it checked until now have been various and all really excuses. I was procrastinating and in reality was scared of what recovery will take. A good friend of mine (shout out to Summer, who also has a major day tomorrow.Not my place to tell but check out www.painydays.com for info) made me realize I do have to take care of myself. So now I am. And tomorrow we’ll get some answers as to why my knee hurts & pops and gives out.
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